Anniversaries - friends or foes?

Tomorrow is an anniversary for me. It is the one year mark from when I came home from work and my 13.5 month old could not sit up or roll over because it caused him too much pain. After being very confused and upset as to why my husband at the time, we'll call him x (he doesn't deserve to be capitalized), hadn't called me when Z got hurt, or taken him to emergency, I took him to emergency myself. And was told that he had a compression fracture in his spine. When I told the ER doc what x had said happened, the doc said that spinal compression fractures happen when a 14 year old falls off a roof, not when a dad is playing with his kid. I figured that this was one of those anomalies in life. Because of course it must have happened the way x told me it did. He would have never hurt anyone. He went out of his way to not hurt people and to help them. The doc said that Z would be admitted overnight for observation so I stayed with him. x had taken A to stay at my mom's for the night but he did not stay at the hospital overnight, it was just me and Z.

The next day we were told that Child Family Services (CFS) would be investigating the injury. When the woman came in to talk to us about it, x was out of the room for a few minutes. She explained to me how they have to look into any injuries that look suspicious. I said of course they did. I said do what you need to, ask whatever you want. We have nothing to hide. At this point they must have known that Z had been hurt on purpose. They knew I wasn't at home at the time of the injury and they must have been thinking: Oh, you poor woman. Because I had no idea what was coming but I think she knew.

So tomorrow is the one year anniversary of Z's injury. He is fine now. He didn't walk until he was almost 19 months and had physio and I did lots of exercises with him. He is completely healed and the docs have said that because he was so young when it happened he won't have any permanent damage from the injury. Thank the universe for that one.

The next day after we were released from the hospital, x told me that he had been hurting Z since he was born. I'm not going to get into any details because it makes me sick and you don't need to read things like that. Especially not when you know it's fact and not fiction. I lost it on him. I screamed, cried, keened. I asked him why. He said he didn't know. He said that he tried to find a pattern, tried to figure out what triggered it and he just couldn't. I said: You were lucid enough to try to figure out why but you didn't ask for help?!

Then he said that now that he told me, he didn't think he would do it anymore so I could still leave the kids alone with him. I told him that until he got himself sorted out that he couldn't live with us so either he would have to move out or else the kids and I would. He said it was a family home and we were the family so he would leave. I didn't make him leave right then, it was the middle of the night. And I was so shocked, so hurt, so... I don't think I know the words that apply here. But I do know that I was in denial. And shock. I felt so alone so I asked him to lie down with me and hold me. And he did. As soon as he touched me I tensed up completely and knew that I could never let him touch me or our kids again. We were both up all night and the next morning he called his mom and she came to get him and he left to stay with her until he knew what his next steps were.

I will not go any further in the actual story of what happened and what has happened since because it is an active criminal case but suffice it to say that was just the beginning.

So here I am now, the day before the first of a three day anniversary: Z injured, x telling me it had been continuous abuse, and my last time seeing x. And I've been thinking about anniversaries and what they mean to people.

I am taking this time to look at where I am, where I was, how I got here, and where I'd like to go. Thankfully I have only myself and my children to think about in making these decisions. And although the kids are a huge part of these anniversaries, they don't really get it.

But then I started thinking about happy anniversaries. Like wedding anniversaries. Most couples go out for a nice meal, go away for a weekend, buy each other flowers, jewelry, bon-bons, whatever. And it's very romantic because you need to remember the romance of the day you got married. I have a different take on anniversaries. Now, I know I had a conversation with someone about this and I can't remember who it was or whose idea this was, but here's the basic idea:

Take the opportunity of knowing that this is a yearly event and take the time to talk about the last year. What made you happy, what didn't. What you accomplished, what you didn't. What promises had been made and not kept or wonderful surprises. But mostly, talk about whether or not you want to remain in this situation for another year. If there are changes you need to make or have made by your partner in order to be happy, then this should be the time to voice them. And then decide if you want to take the next year to work on things or if you want to walk away. And then, if you do stay together to work on things, on the next anniversary go over what happened. A year is long enough to make changes but not so long as to hold you up for the rest of your life.

I'm specifically thinking of marriage. Once you get married and are legally bound, it's almost like it doesn't matter anymore. You can stop giving foot rubs, stop cooking or cleaning, or start doing things you had never done that might be detrimental to the relationship. And it doesn't matter because you are have entered into a LIFETIME contract. Which is ridiculous. No one in his/her right mind would sign a lifetime contract for anything, but we still do it for marriage.

I think that in every relationship, be it business or personal, there should always be an exit clause and always room for negotiations. Perhaps that's unrealistic, but I really think that overall, there would be more short time pain but way more long term gain. And isn't the pursuit of happiness what it's pretty much about?