Tantrums from Hell

At this very moment Z is having the biggest most intense tantrum I have ever heard or seen. And that's saying a lot because A is pretty good at them herself. He is screaming and crying and kicking and coughing and choking and snotting and crying some more and freaking out. He has been having a really hard time lately. I think there are a few reasons for it. One is that we have had very little time together, it feels like we are always rushing around and there is always something I need to be doing. What I need to be doing is making him my priority. I make sure I get time alone with A but I haven't been doing that with Z. As of tomorrow I will again.

We live in an apartment and thankfully only have neighbors on one side of us. If I heard a kid screaming like this and didn't know why, I would be worried. In fact, I know why he's having the tantrum and I'm still worried. The only thing that makes me know that it will stop is that eventually he will have to fall asleep from exhaustion. He is that gorgeous combo of over-tired, over-chocolated (we were at my mom's who gave the kids chocolate milk and chocolate ice cream), and angry because I put the railing back up on his bed. He also has a dirty diaper that can't feel good but I have to wait for him to fall asleep before I can change it or he'll get poop all over the place and that's one of the last things I want to deal with right now.

When we moved into the apartment from the house I sold his crib and put him in a bed. It's a bunk bed but they are not stacked. I have had the guard rail up on his bed so he didn't fall out. He decided that he didn't want it anymore but I had to put it back on because he kept getting out of bed instead of going to sleep. So now he's trapped in his bed screaming his head off. And since the kids share a room and A needs to go to sleep, I sent her to sleep in my bed. I'll move her later if he ever stops screaming. Just for the record, I have been going in and checking on him every few minutes...

It is now 50 minutes later. It took me this long to get him calmed down and able to go to sleep. When I went into his room this last time he actually let me pick him up and hold him so at least I felt like I was comforting him somewhat even though he was still crying. He wanted a tissue so I gave him one to hold and he was holding it up in front of him completely open. Every time he would start to fall asleep it would fall and he would get all upset and start crying inconsolably again. Obviously to you and me that's a no-win situation but I couldn't explain it to him. It happened four or five times before he got mad at the tissue and threw it on the floor. I still haven't changed his diaper but I will when I know he's really asleep because I am not doing that all over again.

There are a few reasons I know of that Z has been having such a tough time lately:
1. He hasn't been feeling well
2. He's super tired and that makes it hard for him to sleep
3. He misses me. We haven't had any alone time together and I have been trying so hard to get my 20 hours a week of work in that I got my priorities mixed up
4. I think he's bored at daycare. He goes to a home daycare where there are only a few kids and I think he needs more than that. He needs to move into somewhere bigger but he also needs less time at daycare and more time with me. For now I will leave him where he is and make specific times to have just me and Z time.

I just read back and see that I wrote about getting my priorities straightened out earlier in this entry. Obviously it's on my mind. I have to find a way to spend time with both and each of my kids, with myself, and at work all while keeping a clean house, having fresh clothes to wear and cooking healthy meals... It was so easy to write that down but how am I going to do it? Any readers out there? I'll take suggestions!

When I started seeing my therapist she asked me if there was anything in my life that validated me. I told her that I had two kids. She told me that kids are way more invalidating than validating because we always feel like we're always doing something wrong. And I agree with her. But one thing I know for sure: spending more time with my kids when it's not time to eat, clean up, have a bath, etc. but time just for us to be doing stuff together is a win-win situation. And if I only get in 16 or 18 hours a week in at work until I figure out a good balance, so be it.

Now a story that defines my kids:
Last night the kids were so awful that I actually went to my room, curled up on my bed and cried and cried. The sobbing kind of crying. A came over and told me she wanted to watch a movie. I told her I was crying. She said: I want to watch the Lion King NOW! I said: No. She said: FINE in this awful angry voice that I'm sure she hears from me when I've had it. And she stormed out of my room. Then Z came up to me and said: Mama crying? I said: Yes, honey, Mama crying. And he handed me a tissue.

But tonight A was all love and hugs while Z was a complete nutbar. At least they aren't both jerks at the same time. I'm not sure how well I'd be able to handle that.

And to top it all off, I have a yeast infection. And that, as they say, is the icing on the cake. (Yuck!)