Bonus Time

I did take some time to spend with Z after that crazy tantrum. I didn't go into work the next day although I really felt like I should, because I knew that I should also spend alone time with Z. Should should should. I once had a therapist who said: Stop 'shoulding' all over yourself. Anyway, I took the day off and I thought that Z and I would take A to school, then hang out and do something fun for a while and then he would nap and I would work from home.

We got home at about 10:30 and he was super tired because he hadn't slept that well the night before. He screamed and screamed and screamed some more at least until noon about going to sleep. But hysterical screaming, his eyes didn't even focus after a while because he was so deep into his tantrum. He finally napped for about 45 minutes (which I spent curled in a ball in the corner after having listened to him scream for so long) and then was up. Thankfully I had child care and I dropped him off. I didn't work that afternoon but I was feeling so guilty about it that I did work that night and for a few hours on Saturday. It's interesting this single parent who has a job thing. No matter where I am I feel like I should be in the other place. I mean, I could have gone to work instead and at least have been paid for getting screamed at all day! (They don't scream there, it's actually quite civilized for an office).

That's actually not true. There are times when I know that I should be at work or I know that I haven't clocked the hours I said I would work, or there is a project that I want to get done. But for some reason I'm not there, I have an appointment, a sick kid, a guilty conscience about not being a good enough mom, something. Maybe it's that I have never had to juggle a job with another big priority before so I could dedicate myself to my job without having to balance. Thankfully work is pretty understanding about it which is good because if they weren't and I had to choose, I would obviously choose my kids which would make me feel like I was making a huge sacrifice because I like my job a lot. So I will put in the hours I can from home and go into the office as much as I can and hopefully make my weekly hourly quota (if that makes any sense).

I was at my neighbor's place (AB) for dinner tonight and we were talking. We smoked a bit and I seemed to be talking more than I generally do. I was saying that I'm realizing how strongly I believe in renegotiating contracts/lifestyles/work/parenting methods and such. It's mostly because I am truly understanding that things only go in small spurts. I know I've written about this before, about how I need to start doing things for short term gain and deal with the long term pain later because most of the time it's only the short times that exist for me. Does that make any sense? So regular renegotiation will keep the short term on the right track. If I'm not mistaken, that might actually lead to long term fulfillment...

So here I am at a point in my life that I had planned to be completely different from how it is. I had planned to be a stay at home mom until both kids were at school full time which is in about another three years. And I would be a wife and mom and... and... ? I really didn't think about life outside of those two things. I forgot about being Tamar and where I want to go and what I want to see and do and feel and think and be. So now I've been forced into looking at my life and making those decisions. I'm doing my best not to just get scared and hide from everything behind my kids depression and food. In the past I've done just that (but not the kids part). Basically what I am trying to say is that I find myself in a lovely and unique position.

As long as I take my kids into account, I can make decisions based simply on what I want without having to consult another adult. I lost that ability when I got married and I sure missed it. I realize that I really prefer being single. I like to date and a casual relationship will probably work in the future when my kids are older, but I can't see myself getting married again. I saw a coaster that said: Any woman looking for a husband has never had one. And that's how I feel.

So here I still am with this unplanned time ahead of me. And I'm deciding what to do with it. I have made some decisions:
1. I am going to register each kid for one extra-curricular that does not involve the other.  I think A would like to take a dance class and maybe Z would enjoy gymnastics or something like that.
2. I am not going to work on Tuesday mornings even though it means I will have to work some evenings and I will take Z swimming without A.
3. I am not going to work on Wednesday afternoons and will take A swimming without Z.
4. I am going to start doing aerobics in the mornings to feel better. I know that I was the most energetic and productive I've ever been when I was working out in the mornings. I will update my progress on my blog.
5. I am going to actively date and let myself be me and have fun again.
6. I am going to take the time to get to  know my kids as individuals and not just how I see them. I want to know how they see themselves and help them be proud of who they are inside and to thrive as those people.
7. I am going to save as much money as I can without being too stingy with us right now so we can do some traveling as a family and I can do some on my own.

When I was a kid and my mom asked me what I wanted to be when I grew up I always said: happy. And then at some point the answer changed to: I just want to hang out and be cool and be myself. I don't know how many jobs there are like that but I'd totally do it if it ever came up (or I could find a way of making it happen). I can be quite entertaining. Also sometimes very annoying. I remember my aunt once telling me I was driving her crazy and I said she was lucky because at least she could leave, I had to be with myself all the time! I don't remember her being very sympathetic about that though...

In order to even be able to just hang out and be cool and be myself I still have a lot of finding out about who I am to do. And that is the journey we are on as we sally forth together.