mean little girls

Girls can be so mean. I mean, I know that boys can be too, but girls seem to mean for no reason at all. Maybe there are reasons and I just don't know them. I'm not mean unless I'm given reason to be. Then I can be Really Mean. But I like to give people the benefit of the doubt, I consciously try not to judge people based on what they look like, how they dress, or what they do for a living. (I do judge people based on spelling though). But I'm talking about little girls. For instance:

Last week at school when my mom picked A up the teacher said that A had been pretty quiet. A told my mom (her Baba), that some of the other girls were being mean to her. They called her a knucklehead and told her that all she does is make scribbles. And that those girls wouldn't let her play with them. I found that out this morning right before I took A to a birthday party for one of her classmates. She was so excited to go to the party. She wore her best dress and I could see how excited she was.

The party had one of those huge bouncy things and the kids were playing on it. They would go in, jump, climb around and then come down a slide. I saw her come out the slide side a couple of times but then when I didn't see her for a few minutes I went to check on her. She was by herself and really upset. I asked her what was wrong and she said that the other kids told her she can't play with them and they pushed her over. I know that she's four and I also know that she makes up a lot of stuff, but she was really upset. So I took her over to one of the kids who I know she is friends with but A was so sad that she didn't want to play anymore. She asked me to take her home. She didn't even want to stay for cake or get a loot bag. Now anyone who knows A knows that there must have been something pretty bad going on for her to not want cake.

I tried to get her to play with some of the other kids who weren't bouncing but she was so dejected. So after trying a few different things, we left.  These are the things I did:

1. Asked her what happened.
2. Suggested she play outside of the bouncy with some of the other kids.
3. Took her by the hand to a different area of the gym to get her involved with some ball kicking (aka soccer).
4. Gave her hugs and told her that there were lots of kids to play with and she should ignore those other kids.

I have not seen A so sad for a very long time. And it made me really sad. This is the first time I am dealing with this and I know that it will not be the last. And I want to know what different ideas there are out there. I know that I can't change the behaviour of anyone, but I do want to teach A how to react differently. For instance:

I want her to know that there are lots of people out there and if someone doesn't treat her nicely then she can walk away and will find someone else to play with. I want her to know that when people say mean things to her or leave her out that it's a reflection of them and not of her. I want her to be proud of who she is and not question that based on someone else's opinion. And  want her to have the kind of self worth and respect that will make her not want to be with people who aren't good to her. I know there is more for her to take from this but I don't know what right  now.

I am going to speak to her teacher in the morning about what happened so she can keep an eye on it. I'm also going to kick those little girls' asses. No, not really, I just want to. And I'm going to talk to A on a regular basis to know what's going on there and make it really easy for her to talk about it. I'll give her the best advice I can, and if I can't then hopefully her therapist can.

What?! A four year old in therapy?! Yes, she was actually there when x hurt Z and saw and heard the fracture happen. And then her daddy was gone and she isn't allowed to see him, talk to him, write to him, or hear from him in any way. So therapy it is. And if she can learn tools for dealing with meanies while she is there, then all the more power.

A is also going through a hard time because she is remembering her daddy less and less. She asked me the other day why her daddy died. I said: Your daddy didn't die, honey. I said it in a very gentle voice. She said: I know. I said: Is it easier for you to pretend that he's dead? She said: Yes. I said: As long as you know that he isn't really dead then it's fine to pretend he is. And I thought (but didn't say) it's easier for me to pretend that he's dead too...

I have no idea who, if anyone, is reading this blog. On the off chance that someone is and has some wisdom to share about any of this, please be in touch. Thanks.