I have a question I want to throw out there... what are my obligations to other people? One of the subjects that came up again and again as L and I 'therapized' each other is that my default answer to things is Yes. I decided that I am changing that to 'I have to think about it'. So now that I am actually going have to think about something, I might as well do it right. Since I have no idea where healthy boundaries lie, I would love some input here. These are some of my questions and thoughts:
1. Can I say 'no' guilt free when someone asks me to do something? Like if someone invites me over and I don't really know them and don't really want to know them, can I just say no thank you? Because that's what I'd like to do. I'm so tired of worrying about offending people. I used to enjoy offending people and I want to get back there.
2. Is it correct/healthy to remember that just because someone else wants me to do something, it does not mean I have to do it. It is definitely something I need to keep in mind.
3. Adults can take care of themselves and if they can not take No for an answer then they either shouldn't ask the questions, or they should suck it up. I have to remember that I am not responsible for anyone's well being other than mine and my kids'.
4. It is not my responsibility to make everyone happy. I know that my wanting to do that stems from my childhood but I haven't been in that situation for a very long time now and would like to Stop It. How do I stop?
5. I used to be told I'm honest before I'm nice. I like that about me and would love to get back there. While I was married to x I lost my ability to be honest if it meant rocking the boat or hurting someone's feelings. For instance: I always had to be so careful of what I said to his mother because she is a disgusting combo of sensitive and stupid so I tiptoed all the time. At the time I didn't think it was fair to make x choose between me and his mother. In retrospect I realize that she wouldn't have accepted me no matter what I did anyway so I should have stood up for myself and what matters to me, and let her deal with it. Instead, I made sure I went Out Of My Way to make her happy.
As an aside, her sister was stupid too. I once had a conversation with her and within the course of 10 minutes she talked about how someone she knew was so stressed that she had emphysema all over her scalp (I'm pretty sure she meant eczema) and then she went on to discuss the 'war veterinarians'. I didn't have the heart to correct her and really, I don't know if I could have stopped laughing for long enough to do it nicely. Thankfully she is so stupid she didn't even know I was laughing at her.
Now that I am out of my marriage I see that I tiptoed with x as well. He was so sensitive and I thought it was my job to protect him from... everything I guess. It is very easy to lose myself when I am so concerned about someone else's feelings and stop thinking of my own.
The kids and I were watching 'Big and Small' yesterday (which I love because Small is such an asshole) and Small throws a party that no one has a good time at. A told me that if one of her friends had a party and it wasn't fun that she would say it was. I asked her why and she said because she wants her friends to be happy. Nice sentiment, but I don't want her to feel like she always has to make everyone around her happy. That's what my role was in my family and it didn't get me very far, so I'd like to nip it in the bud. The question is: What is a healthy balance? If anyone has even an inkling of how to achieve that, please do share.
Something I've been meaning to mention: The kids have a few toys with lots of tiny pieces and everything was always getting lost all over the place. So I implemented a hula hoop rule. I put the hula hoop on the ground and all the little pieces inside of it. The kids know the pieces have to stay in the hula hoop or I take them away. It's made life a lot nicer and the kids actually find it's like a game to keep the pieces together. It also makes cleaning up way faster and easier. Just letting you know...
I have much much more I want to write but the time has come for me to sign off for now... But look forward to more coming out of the 'therapizing' that was done in Toronto, and also about what I am realizing about the cycle of abuse and control and the boiling frog.
On a final note, I want you all to know that a few days ago I used chameleon as a verb. It's a good one.
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