You call this a friendship?!

I got sick a few days ago. I was feeling fine, then my throat and ears felt a bit itchy and then about half an hour later I felt like I was swallowing razor blades and that my ears were going to explode. Or implode, I'm not certain which. I went to the walk-in the next day (because of course this happened in the evening of a day that I had already spent at a walk-in because the plagues are now affecting my children, not just me) and they gave me meds that actually worked rather quickly. The next day the razor blades had dulled and as long as I was taking pain meds every few hours I didn't feel like shoving a knitting needle into my ears to get to the itch.

It's been a few days since it all began and I do feel much better. But I am so tired. And not just tired, but exhausted. You know what I mean, the kind of exhaustion that settles deep in your bones. That ache, that awful fatigue that makes you need to just lie down and sleep. Well unfortunately I can't sleep when I want, I have the kids. And I had to work. I've been feeling really crappy about the fact that I got sick right after vacation and couldn't go into work. I did work from home though. More than I should have probably but I needed to do it. I like my job and just wish I had more time to do it. I look forward to the day that I can work more hours and actually do brain involved work.

Today I had a couple of hours between picking A up from school and needing to get Z from daycare so we came home. A said she wanted to have a nap and I was so excited that we were on the same wavelength because I knew that if I didn't fall into a bed and close my eyes for a while that there was no way I was making it through the rest of the day without being a completely cranky bitch. But the nap was not to be. Although A said she wanted to nap, she really wanted to bug me. Which is because she misses me and wants me to spend more time with her. Which I do - when I'm not sick. So I didn't get my nap, proceeded to pick up Z, then met my mom at costco and went shopping with the kids. Thank god my mom was there - I wouldn't have made it through without her. Actually, I just wouldn't have gone without her. At one point I looked at the time because I was so tired that I was sure it was at least 7:30. It was 4:30. I was not impressed.

We finally got home, got the groceries unpacked, gave the kids dinner, and got them to bed. At this point I was so tired that I could hardly think, walk, talk, anything. I fell into bed and prepared to dive into a deep sleep so my body could get the rest it has been begging for. But again - not to be! But this time it is because my mind won't shut the hell up. There is so much running through it that I can't sleep. I'm tempted to take a sleeping pill just to get some rest but I don't take them when I have the kids because I'm worried I won't wake up if they need me. So there I was, tossing, turning, moaning and groaning to myself because I couldn't turn off the voices in my head. I finally realized that I was getting no where and got out of bed, put on some music (Romi Mayes: Achin in Yer Bones) and here I am.

These are some of the things running through my head:
Why is it that when someone does something that I think it really insensitive I don't want to confront them about it because I don't want to deal with the craziness that will inevitably come from it, but that this same person (and I am writing of a specific person) has no qualms about confronting me left right and centre with mostly imagined and sometimes (rarely) real issues? It makes me think that it's just time to clean house and stop hanging with people who I can't have an honest relationship with. Really - this person is negative, bitchy, self centred, and not very understanding. I have no idea why we are friends because when I look at the relationship honestly, I really don't get anything out of it. I don't get understanding or supportive comments, I don't get companionship, time spent with me and my kids, this person acts as though hanging with my kids is an awful thing to do, yet proclaims to love my kids. What the fuck is that?! When I complain, this person brushes it under the rug like my concerns are not valid. I just figured out what it is - this relationship is another area of my life where I feel invalidated. Good for me finding another relationship like that... big pat on the back for that one! What is wrong with me?!

I have so few people here who I can be myself with, who I can do something nice for and they say thank you instead of pointing out how I could have done it better. Or faster. Or smarter. Or anythinger. Where are the real people in this stupid city? The ones who have more goals in life than meeting a 'partner' and settling down. Who spend time reading books, talking about what makes things wonderful instead of ripping it apart to find where it doesn't work. I need people who are reasonably whole, have a sense of humour (especially about themselves) and understand when I have to cancel plans because my daughter has some crazy skin disease that I was scared was impetigo or something weird like that. People who don't poo-poo my fears, my worries, my problems, but who talk to me about them, listen to me about them, help me understand where I'm coming from and what steps I need to take to conquer the fears and worries.

Since I was in Toronto and surrounded my so much love and friendship, so much support and understanding, I realize how much I miss that being here. I live in Winnipeg for my kids, and my kids only. It certainly is not for me. I have nothing here. Even people who claim to support me and love me seem to disappoint me, take me for granted. I don't think that asking for friends who love me, flaws and all, is such a huge request. I'm pretty likeable. I'm funny, smart, interesting, I tell a good joke or story, I have a great ear for listening and I give really supportive, insightful and thoughtful advice when asked. But I feel like none of that matters here. I seem to have surrounded myself with selfish people who don't give a damn about me. Or who string me along. Or use me as a dart board when they are unhappy about their own lives. What the hell is wrong with me? More to the point, what the hell is wrong with these people? Where are the real people who give a damn - who would cross the street to help me instead of watching the train wreck happen and then criticize how I dealt with it?

I need a good cry, and a good sleep. And I obviously needed to get this out too. So - good night. I sure hope this got enough demons out of me to get some much needed sleep so I can be a reasonable person tomorrow. My kids certainly deserve a well-rested mommy who is quick to laugh and be silly. And all I need to do to be that person right now is get some sleep. Wish me luck and send sleep dust fairies my way.