Does Everything Happen for a Reason?

Here's a questions to ponder: If I was really unhappy, but didn't know I was unhappy, then is that such a bad life to be living? I know that my denial would not have lasted forever, that's not realistic for me. Although I am not as self-aware as some people may be, I do have enough awareness that the reality of a situation does become apparent to me at some point. Especially an abusive one. Unfortunately the awareness does not hit me early enough to avoid being in abusive relationships, but eventually my eyes do open up to what's going on.

This thought process comes from a conversation I had with a friend the other night. We were on the phone hanging out. Sounds strange but we both have little kids, don't get out much, and although we talk almost every day, we don't actually get to hang out without having a bunch of kids yelling, screaming, fighting, cuddling, hugging, wanting. Because whether it be good things or bad, kids usually want a piece of their mom when she is around. And since we're both moms, we don't get much talking in but on that evening we did!

So my friend, we'll call her R, said that she doesn't really believe that everything happens for a reason. She thinks that in a lot of cases people say that because it's the only way they can justify terrible things happening. You know, like if I said that I needed x to do what he did because going through all of the legalities, and the being a single parent, and worrying about money, and all of those things were necessary for me to become a better person. Or to fulfill what my soul needs to this time around. Or because I was an awful person the last time around and this is payback. Or whatever the reasons are.

I told her that I don't really believe that. I do for some things, like that the universe needed Z and A to be born with the genes they were born with and that's why I had kids with x. But even that is stretching things for me. I told her that I don't believe I needed to go through all this. That I was good. I was already a reasonably good person, I've lived through being poor, worrying about money, I've been through loss of friends: to death, to brain damage, to being a lousy friend (on both sides of the coin). I didn't need to live through Z being abused, having my entire world ripped out from under me, becoming a single parent, losing almost all my faith in my own judgment of character. I was doing just fine.

I told my friend L in Toronto about this and she disagreed. She said that when she and I had a conversation about this several months ago I said that I needed something extreme to happen because otherwise I would have stayed in my marriage that I was very unhappy in. I said that I didn't know I was unhappy. And if you don't know you aren't happy, then how bad is it, really? And if my marriage did have to break down in an extreme way, then couldn't he have had an affair? Likely not since he had a lot of issues in the sex department. I could have had an affair, but I know how it is when a parent has an affair. I have seen how that affects a family with young kids and I couldn't do that to my children. I also couldn't do it to x because at that time I still thought he was a person, not the monster I know him to be now.

So what do you all think about it? Does everything happen for a reason? Is that something we tell ourselves just like we created god? So we don't have to take responsibility for our own actions? What about "let go and let god"? My biggest issue in dealing with a higher power that ultimately controls what goes on, is that I feel like it's a big cop out.

Speaking of cop outs (I wonder what the origin of that term is), I was thinking about x doing what he did. More to the point, I was thinking about his pleading not guilty to the child abuse charges. And I thought: what did I do to make him do what he did? Maybe I wasn't a good enough wife. I didn't cook dinner every night. I didn't put out after a while because the sex was So Bad. It was all about him, nothing about me, and no matter how many times I asked, talked, counseled, about it, I just wasn't a priority sexually. Once he got off, that's all there was to it. And believe me, it took A Lot to get him off. People complain about how tough it is to get a woman to orgasm - not just women! He is either gay or has Major sexual issues. Whatever - I don't have to care anymore.

Just for the record: Sex is super important. It isn't the only important thing in a relationship but if you are going to be in a long term relationship (or be stupid/brave enough to sign a lifetime contract), you'd better make sure you have similar sex drives and can meet each others' needs. If you don't, then be aware of it, talk about it, and make some kind of arrangement so each partner can get their needs fulfilled without endangering the rest of the relationship. Just saying.

But I digress...

My point is that even if I was a terrible wife, didn't grocery shop, clean, cook, put out, take care of the kids, had affairs, spent all of our money, and whatever other things I might have managed to do (BTW I did not do all those things, not even most of them), Nothing justifies what he did. If he was unhappy, and obviously he was, he could have done any number of 'normal' things to change things. Like talk to me about it. I tried to talk to him. I took him to counseling. I asked him on a regular basis what we needed to change or work on.

Now I know that only a sick monster could do what he did and abuse a baby on a regular basis from infancy until he got caught. And I now know (and it's taken me a while to get here) that what he did has nothing to do with what I did or didn't do. And if he thinks it does in any way, shape or form, then he is wrong. I am certainly not perfect, but Nothing In The Entire Universe justifies what he did and I certainly hope the courts see it that way. If they don't then there are some serious issues in our system and you can be damn sure that I will spend the rest of my life making sure that the only person who can be blamed for being an abuser, is the abuser.

I really believe that a lot of what makes us who we are and what we do has to do with our upbringings. But at some point we have to take responsibility. Maybe I was a fat kid/teenager because my mom helped give me lots of food issues and didn't teach me healthier ways to cope. But as I grew up, it was up to me to find those ways. And if I didn't know how, then to ask for help. So, whether or not he was abused, the fact remains that he didn't ask for help. And to me, knowing that you have it in you to do something abominable, and doing it rather than asking for help is what makes the difference between a victim and a predator.