So ashamed...

I am so ashamed of myself. I stopped blogging. And that means that I wasn't paying attention to what I was doing and what was going on around me. Not a good way to be. For me, anyway. So here I am...

A lot of what has been happening in the past few weeks is not bloggable at this point. Either because legally I shouldn't be talking about it, or emotionally I don't want to deal with it and am not ready to share it. Suffice it to say that I thought my divorce from x was going to be clean and easy. Before we got married we discussed how we felt about marriage. We agreed that we would work through everything except four things:

1. Cheating
2. Abuse (emotional or physical)
3. Religion (If one of us joined a cult and became fervently religious in a way that wasn't agreeable)
4. Mental Incapacitation (though accident or disease)

If any of these four things occurred, the other person was allowed to walk away and not look back. They were immediate grounds for divorce if the non-offending party wanted that. Except in #4 you had to make sure the other person was taken care of properly.

Well, one of those four things happened and so, according to our agreement, divorce should simply be accepted by the offending person. Well, he's not making it easy. And unfortunately that's all I can say about it right now because this, as the other major thing in my life that I would like to be writing about, are open court cases and I can't discuss them.

How about if I write about parenting? I have to say that I have so much respect for those parents,single or otherwise, who don't lose their temper and yell at their kids. But really, do those people exist? Kids are irritating. Plain and simple. I know that not everyone feels like this - some people think it's cute and funny when they throw toys all over the place or make a huge mess while they are eating, or ask for something and then after I've made it don't want it anymore and it goes to waste. Those kid-lovers definitely have a leg up when it comes to kids. I, personally, think that so much about how kids are absolutely suck. I'm just not a kid person.

I do like my kids as people, and like them more and more the older they get so that's good. They are funny, smart, kind, silly, focused, interesting and interested. I keep looking at those things and telling myself that the irritating kid things will end. Z will eventually be toilet trained instead of giving an adamant NO when I ask if he wants to try the potty. A will stop having tantrums about nothing. (probably she won't stop that for many many years but I'm looking Far Ahead to the end of those!) But they won't make huge messes when they eat, they will be able to sit still for longer than 3 minutes, it will be easier to run errands with them because they will be able to get in and out of the car on their own, things like that. And eventually, and I know this is far in the future, they will be able to stay home alone and I will have a little bit more freedom.

I have a very good friend, L. She has two kids and the little one, E, just turned three. E also started at school half days this past September. L cried when 'her baby' went to school. And I said that shows a huge difference between her and I. When my kids are both at school I will be celebrating. I told her it's because she likes her kids more than I like mine. She started to refute that and I stopped her saying that it's true. She likes little kids and finds them cute and funny whereas I find them annoying and irritating. I don't believe she loves her kids more than I love mine, but she digs their antics.

I certainly don't spend all my time yelling at my kids. I play with them, read to them, talk to them, listen to them, take them places, introduce them to new people, places and things. I give them lots of love and kisses and cuddles. I listen to their music (even though I don't like it) and let them watch cartoons, and do knock-knock jokes with them ad nauseum. Do I enjoy it? Sometimes I love it! Other times, not so much.

But I am the one who decided to have these kids and they are my responsibility. And I don't take it lightly. I wish that I was sharing the parenting with another responsible, loving adult. Unfortunately x mis-represented himself in that manner and so it is much better that I am doing this alone than with him. But I really think that kids should have more than one adult who they can go to when they have a problem. Thankfully my kids do have more adults than just me. They have my parents who they see frequently, they have K who is our respite worker and one of the best gifts the universe has ever provided to us. They have aunts and uncles, teachers and a day-care mom. So they aren't lacking for adults but I seem to be lacking for adults. I guess I have spent more time making sure their needs are being taken care of than mine. Which stands to reason since one of the things I really have to learn better is how to take care of myself. 

 Yesterday Z went into my room, came out and handed me a book on Taoist Meditation: Methods for Cultivating a Healthy Mind and Body. I have no idea how he got it because he would have had to climb over a bunch of furniture to my windowsill to get it but he was only in there for about 15 seconds. So I guess he is aware that I need to be taking better care of myself and gave me a tool so I can start. I figure if he is giving me suggestions then the least I can do is read the book...

And so I will begin the journey into Taoist Meditation. I will keep you posted!