Stop Yelling!

I am so tired of yelling. Of mine and of A's. There are so many things she says and does that reflect on me in a such a great way, like when she speaks kindly and I hear my words coming back to me. But then I hear her yelling and know that came from me as well.

Yesterday was not a great day here at one point. A splashed water all over me during bathtime and I got Mad because I have told her so many times not to. And I mean soaked my clothes, not just a light spray of water. And I yelled at her, ended the kids' bath, got them lotioned, dressed and put on their current favourite movie Lilo and Stitch and then I gave myself a time out.

I went to my room and lay down on the bed. A started yelling to me to get something for her and I ignored her (that's one my things now - when she tells me to do something for her by yelling from another room I completely ignore her. If she comes up to me and tells me to do something I have her re-phrase it into a polite request). She came into my room and told me again so I told her that I was in a time out and that I wasn't allowed out of my room yet. I told her that I would let her know when I was and that she could ask me for what she wanted then.

She left and I lay there thinking: Do I get to have one minute of time out for every year old I am? Do I get a time out for 39 minutes? Because that would Rock! I would love to not be allowed out of my room for 39 minutes when I was behaving badly. That is actually enough time to rest, relax, calm down, and re-assess what's really bothering me. Because in all reality the kids' behaviour isn't that bad. I obviously am very high strung right now and it is affecting me pretty intensely. Stress is unbelievably grating and time outs are a wonderful stress reliever. Now that I know how necessary they are to re-group I am going to start using them more. But I will send the kids to their room, not make them sit in a chair in the same room they lost it. Being removed from the situation is really the best way to deal with it, in my opinion.

I told A and Z that there will not be yelling allowed anymore. That if I yell then I get a time out (they need to tell me when I'm yelling in case I don't realize myself) and same goes for them. I'm also taking more deep breaths. It seems to help ground me.

Speaking of grounding me, I have this friend I haven't been hanging out with much lately and we saw each other again the other day. I realized that this person grounds me and helps me find my way back to myself so quickly and easily. One of the reasons I have been so stressed is because I am feeling the void in my life. It's unreal how someone else's energy can be so healing, calming.

On the flip side, when I lived in Toronto I had a friend who I worked with who made me so crazy irritated all the time but I really liked being with him. He made me so nuts that I would sometimes have to leave the restaurant, room, wherever we were because he was making me so mad/crazy/irritated/. He brought out this passion in me that was not the kind of passion we read about. It was raw passion, nothing to do with desire, sex, anything like that. And being with him made me feel so alive. That's how this friendship is, but it's healing, not crazy-making. 

I'm working through it. I'm going to take you all with me. I left you behind for a bit but I like having you all to answer to. It forces me to actually do the work and become the best me I can be. And really - isn't that the whole point?