The scatters

I'm a gambler. Always have been, always will. I love it because you never know what is going to happen. Sometimes you land on your feet, other times on your head, but no matter which way it goes, there's always a surprise.


Here's the thing . There are these things I'll call Scatters. I don't know when they are going to show up or what they are going to do. For instance, you could be out walking and just about to get to the point of frostbite (I live in Winnipeg) when a car could stop and offer you a ride. It could be a wonderful friendly Samaritan, a serial killer, or just a boring git. But you have an option. And the only way to find out what you're going to get is to get into that car. Smart idea? Don't ask me... it's a gamble, so I'll take it.

Let's say for argument's sake that almost a year ago my life was ripped apart into a billion tiny little shards and I have spent the last several months reconstructing it in a way that will ultimately be self-sustaining in a positive way. Let's just say. Well, is gambling the way to go now? I mean the blind kind of gambling. Maybe yes, maybe no. Well, when it was just me I had to think about then the answer was obvious. I would have jumped into that car faster than I could think. And those are choice words, because I wouldn't have done any thinking about it at all.

It's not just about me anymore. Circumstances beyond my control have made me a single mom of two kids. We'll call them A (girl, 4) and Z (boy, 2).  And I'm 39. I have to say that there is absolutely something to be said about having kids when you're older. It's not anything nice that would be said, but it is definitely something. So my choices now affect all three of us. And I know that no matter how carefully or conscientiously I raise them, they're going to blame everything on me when they grow up anyway. So I just do the best I can and stay aware of what's happening around us.

I think that in order for you (assuming anyone is reading this) to understand where I'm coming from I should give you a bit of history...

History or present? Choices, choices....

I'll start with my present and take it from there. If you have any questions about anything, just ask. I'm not shy and I decided that I will post what I want to and not concern myself with what others think. I will change names to protect the guilty because that seems a lot easier than dealing with those people. I can always just deny everything... write something like: This is all fictional and if any of it bears a likeness to anyone I might know it is purely accidental. There, now I'm clear.

I work part time in an office. It's a new job and I really like it because it's exactly what I need right now. There is so much work that I will never be bored and the necessary brain power to get it done is minimal and that's what I like in a part time job. When I'm ready for more, the job can become more. How lucky is that?

I have good friends. They are funny, kind, sweet, blunt, rude, sarcastic, silly, loving, trustworthy, giving, supportive, honest and spread throughout North America. The majority of them live in Winnipeg, where I currently live, and in Toronto, where I spent my 20's: my formative years. I'll get into those another time.

I have a supportive family. We don't all see eye to eye and we are all very different people but I know I can count on them. I have two sisters, a brother, a niece and two nephews, a mother and a father.

I am separated and on my way to a divorce. The separation was sudden and harsh and I am almost at the one year mark of when it happened. My soon to be ex-husband has been charged with child abuse and since he admitted to me that he did it and there is evidence of it, the decision to leave him was a no-brainer. Just for the record, it was totally out of left field. He seemed to be the kindest, most gentle person. Didn't lose his temper, the kind of guy you could call in the middle of the night to help you change a tire. But looks can be extremely deceiving...

In hindsight the marriage was far from ideal. Not even good, really. I was 32 when we met, I was looking for stability and he seemed to have it. I thought it was time for me to settle down, get married, have kids, you know that path. Well, that gamble didn't pay off for me in so many ways. So here I am on the other side of it.

I am single, maybe ready to start a little dating. I would love to get my salad tossed, to quote a good friend of mine, but not necessarily interested in a serious relationship.

I am in love and in lust with a man. He was my first love and now that I can be realistic to myself, my only love I've ever had. I can feel it when he walks into a room, and the energy between us is so healing, beautiful, sensual, and sexual. He's been married for 15 years to the woman he started dating after we broke up. Are they happy? Doesn't really matter to my life because they're married and unless that changes he is out of bounds. Does he love me? Again, doesn't matter. That is one of my few hard and fast rules. Until recently he lived in a different city, but he and his wife are moving back here. Can we be friends? No - I need all or nothing with him. There are no grey areas with that kind of emotion. His moving back here with his wife is one of those Scatters. Because I'm not dealing with enough loss and adjustment from my last year of being...

So this brings me back to why I had mentioned Scatters:

Lots of times we think we know what we want or what direction things are going. And we have to trust that frequently most people's lives move in relatively straight lines. Well, mine doesn't. I have more Scatters than not, more "For Real?!" moments than not. And I'm learning to roll with the punches and know that I have no idea what is around the next corner.

When the rug was pulled out from under me regarding my almost ex-husband, I told one of my friends that when I got married I thought that I had chosen my path finally. I was going to be a wife and mom, take care of my family, stay at home until the kids were at school... that would be my path for the next several years. And my friend said, "That was your mistake. Thinking that you were going to be allowed todo the same thing for more than a few months at a time." And he was right. My path is not straight. It is absolutely guided by the Scatters. It's one crazy ride after another and now I am going to take you all with me.