I just got a legal document that is 22 pages of complete legalese. I used to count the number of times the lawyers would write "heretofor" and "forthwith" and weird words like those. I joked with my lawyer that it seemed to me they were just trying to outdo each other in the legalese and it's a lot like flexing muscles. And apparently the way family lawyers do that is with big words. And lots of boring repetition. I did read it and this is what I have discovered:
I have sole custody of both children. Duh - he's a child abuser. And I had to actually fight for sole custody. The lawyers originally wrote something about it being joint custody but that he doesn't have visitation rights until... until... well - until what? I'm certainly going to fight for him to have no visitation, supervised or otherwise, until the kids are over 18 or are trained thoroughly enough in the martial arts to kick his sorry ass themselves.
Although I have sole custody, I still need to get his permission to take them out of the country on a trip. And I am legally not allowed any communication with him, directly or indirectly. So if I want to take the kids down to Grand Forks for the day I need to have my lawyer call his lawyer to get signed permission that I have to pick up and carry with me. It sure seems like a lot of trouble when he isn't even allowed in the same building as them.
That I am filing for divorce as soon as we have been separated for a year. I had to wait a year to file for divorce so that it can be considered a 'no fault' divorce Really?! No fault?! Apparently that's easier than other ways of divorcing. But seriously, this divorce is pretty much anything but 'no fault'. Hurting a baby is definitely 'fault' in my world. Pretty huge fault too. Not like accidentally leaving the toilet seat up too many times, or having a bad sex life, or just being irritating. Child abuse is pretty much the epitome of faulty.
Once we have divorced I no longer have homestead rights on the house that we lived in together. THAT I SOLD. Over three months ago. Of course I don't have homestead rights. It's not my home. Or maybe I just don't know what homestead rights are and I should be claiming them left right and centre because there is no legal document saying I can't. Any lawyers out there, let me know if there are homestead rights I can be claiming. I'd like to park my horse and wagon somewhere.
I get the two kids, some money, and lots and lots of legal fees and look forward to a divorce. That is the sum of 22 pages of legal stuff. I just told you that in one line. And made it fairly simple to understand. I should edit those letters for the lawyers. We'd save a whole lot of paper...
And this is all just family law. The criminal case is taking longer, the preliminary trial is in the spring. I have to testify. I don't even have enough energy left in my fingers right now to type how angry that makes me so that will have to be a blog for another time.
Tuesday, September 28, 2010
Facebook no more!
I just deleted my facebook account. I didn't put it on hold or make the decision to stay off it for a week because it was too addictive. It's not because of privacy, and it's not because I joined some other "social networking site" instead. I did it because I think that facebook is weird. Just plain bizarre. I did enjoy playing scramble on it (which is similar to Boggle) and I did find a few people from my past who it was great to be in touch with. However:
I don't care what people are doing every minute of every day. I think if people spent more time doing other things than letting the rest of the facebook world know what is going on... I just got dressed. I'm making coffee. I'm eating my breakfast. I'm on a diet. I'm eating a cake. My son just drew on the cat. I think I might change my hairstyle. Blah blah blah blah. I have never learned anything important on facebook and I just don't want to be a part of it anymore.
It also brings up the term "friend" for me. My friends know they are my friends. And if don't like someone, I am not adding them as a friend because some machine did calculations and we have x number of people in common so we should be friends. I can't tell you how many people were my 'friends' on facebook who I would have never even nodded to in passing when I saw them in person.
Here's a truth about me: I think most people are irritating and boring. Don't get me wrong - I'm including myself in that. There are exceptions and those are the people I like to be with. But I don't need to see them on facebook WAIT -
I just realized that I am babbling about nothing. I deleted my facebook account. End of conversation.
I don't care what people are doing every minute of every day. I think if people spent more time doing other things than letting the rest of the facebook world know what is going on... I just got dressed. I'm making coffee. I'm eating my breakfast. I'm on a diet. I'm eating a cake. My son just drew on the cat. I think I might change my hairstyle. Blah blah blah blah. I have never learned anything important on facebook and I just don't want to be a part of it anymore.
It also brings up the term "friend" for me. My friends know they are my friends. And if don't like someone, I am not adding them as a friend because some machine did calculations and we have x number of people in common so we should be friends. I can't tell you how many people were my 'friends' on facebook who I would have never even nodded to in passing when I saw them in person.
Here's a truth about me: I think most people are irritating and boring. Don't get me wrong - I'm including myself in that. There are exceptions and those are the people I like to be with. But I don't need to see them on facebook WAIT -
I just realized that I am babbling about nothing. I deleted my facebook account. End of conversation.
Sunday, September 26, 2010
six o clock in the morning?
What makes kids think that getting up at 6am and jumping all over me is a good idea? Especially when they are both tired and have colds and went to bed late? And are cranky? And yucky? And snotty? And irritating? And when I'm cranky and yucky and most likely irritating too?
So I did what I think is best. I got really sarcastic about the virtues of waking mommy up that early, got them juice, forced meds into my son and turned on the TV. And now I'm watching Sesame Street with them because I'm an idiot who needs to go back to sleep but is getting crankier and crankier instead. I'm just asking for someone to come tuck me into bed with something yummy to drink in a sippy cup. I'm thinking some warm baileys would be great. And maybe a foot rub. I don't think that's unrealistic. Do you? I mean, it's not like I'm asking to wake up and have the HUGE cutting/gluing/popsiclestick/paper/puzzle mess on my living room carpet all cleaned up by some miracle. Just a nice cup of baileys, a foot rub, and warm covers tucked around me. Maybe even a kiss on my forehead.
Do kids have any idea how good they have it?!
And I don't have a couch. I want one, I can thankfully afford one, but I just haven't bought one so I can't even fall asleep on the couch with them. Or relax on it and close my eyes and pretend that when I wake up for real I'll be somewhere with lots of fresh air, the ocean that is swimmable and warm sand between my toes. I think that when life gets as crappy as I feel like this one is these days, I should have a couch. Because we all know that when we're feeling crappy and tired that buying things fixes everything...
My body is tired and my soul has been through the ringer in the past few days dealing with the old boyfriend moving back and making mature decisions that are good in the long run but suck short term. And really, the long run is absurd. I've never had a long run of anything in my life. Everything seems to always end up reasonably short term even if I thought otherwise. And my kids are bitching because I offered them goldfish crackers for a morning snack. Apparently the morning snack I should have naturally gravitated to giving them is chocolate. TV, juice and chocolate first thing in the morning would make for a very bad day for us. So I gave them frozen yogurt tubes instead. More healthy? I'd like to think so. Keeps them quiet for longer? Yes. And right now, that is the whole point.
So I did what I think is best. I got really sarcastic about the virtues of waking mommy up that early, got them juice, forced meds into my son and turned on the TV. And now I'm watching Sesame Street with them because I'm an idiot who needs to go back to sleep but is getting crankier and crankier instead. I'm just asking for someone to come tuck me into bed with something yummy to drink in a sippy cup. I'm thinking some warm baileys would be great. And maybe a foot rub. I don't think that's unrealistic. Do you? I mean, it's not like I'm asking to wake up and have the HUGE cutting/gluing/popsiclestick/paper/puzzle mess on my living room carpet all cleaned up by some miracle. Just a nice cup of baileys, a foot rub, and warm covers tucked around me. Maybe even a kiss on my forehead.
Do kids have any idea how good they have it?!
And I don't have a couch. I want one, I can thankfully afford one, but I just haven't bought one so I can't even fall asleep on the couch with them. Or relax on it and close my eyes and pretend that when I wake up for real I'll be somewhere with lots of fresh air, the ocean that is swimmable and warm sand between my toes. I think that when life gets as crappy as I feel like this one is these days, I should have a couch. Because we all know that when we're feeling crappy and tired that buying things fixes everything...
My body is tired and my soul has been through the ringer in the past few days dealing with the old boyfriend moving back and making mature decisions that are good in the long run but suck short term. And really, the long run is absurd. I've never had a long run of anything in my life. Everything seems to always end up reasonably short term even if I thought otherwise. And my kids are bitching because I offered them goldfish crackers for a morning snack. Apparently the morning snack I should have naturally gravitated to giving them is chocolate. TV, juice and chocolate first thing in the morning would make for a very bad day for us. So I gave them frozen yogurt tubes instead. More healthy? I'd like to think so. Keeps them quiet for longer? Yes. And right now, that is the whole point.
Saturday, September 25, 2010
The scatters
I'm a gambler. Always have been, always will. I love it because you never know what is going to happen. Sometimes you land on your feet, other times on your head, but no matter which way it goes, there's always a surprise.
Here's the thing . There are these things I'll call Scatters. I don't know when they are going to show up or what they are going to do. For instance, you could be out walking and just about to get to the point of frostbite (I live in Winnipeg) when a car could stop and offer you a ride. It could be a wonderful friendly Samaritan, a serial killer, or just a boring git. But you have an option. And the only way to find out what you're going to get is to get into that car. Smart idea? Don't ask me... it's a gamble, so I'll take it.
Let's say for argument's sake that almost a year ago my life was ripped apart into a billion tiny little shards and I have spent the last several months reconstructing it in a way that will ultimately be self-sustaining in a positive way. Let's just say. Well, is gambling the way to go now? I mean the blind kind of gambling. Maybe yes, maybe no. Well, when it was just me I had to think about then the answer was obvious. I would have jumped into that car faster than I could think. And those are choice words, because I wouldn't have done any thinking about it at all.
It's not just about me anymore. Circumstances beyond my control have made me a single mom of two kids. We'll call them A (girl, 4) and Z (boy, 2). And I'm 39. I have to say that there is absolutely something to be said about having kids when you're older. It's not anything nice that would be said, but it is definitely something. So my choices now affect all three of us. And I know that no matter how carefully or conscientiously I raise them, they're going to blame everything on me when they grow up anyway. So I just do the best I can and stay aware of what's happening around us.
I think that in order for you (assuming anyone is reading this) to understand where I'm coming from I should give you a bit of history...
History or present? Choices, choices....
I'll start with my present and take it from there. If you have any questions about anything, just ask. I'm not shy and I decided that I will post what I want to and not concern myself with what others think. I will change names to protect the guilty because that seems a lot easier than dealing with those people. I can always just deny everything... write something like: This is all fictional and if any of it bears a likeness to anyone I might know it is purely accidental. There, now I'm clear.
I work part time in an office. It's a new job and I really like it because it's exactly what I need right now. There is so much work that I will never be bored and the necessary brain power to get it done is minimal and that's what I like in a part time job. When I'm ready for more, the job can become more. How lucky is that?
I have good friends. They are funny, kind, sweet, blunt, rude, sarcastic, silly, loving, trustworthy, giving, supportive, honest and spread throughout North America. The majority of them live in Winnipeg, where I currently live, and in Toronto, where I spent my 20's: my formative years. I'll get into those another time.
I have a supportive family. We don't all see eye to eye and we are all very different people but I know I can count on them. I have two sisters, a brother, a niece and two nephews, a mother and a father.
I am separated and on my way to a divorce. The separation was sudden and harsh and I am almost at the one year mark of when it happened. My soon to be ex-husband has been charged with child abuse and since he admitted to me that he did it and there is evidence of it, the decision to leave him was a no-brainer. Just for the record, it was totally out of left field. He seemed to be the kindest, most gentle person. Didn't lose his temper, the kind of guy you could call in the middle of the night to help you change a tire. But looks can be extremely deceiving...
In hindsight the marriage was far from ideal. Not even good, really. I was 32 when we met, I was looking for stability and he seemed to have it. I thought it was time for me to settle down, get married, have kids, you know that path. Well, that gamble didn't pay off for me in so many ways. So here I am on the other side of it.
I am single, maybe ready to start a little dating. I would love to get my salad tossed, to quote a good friend of mine, but not necessarily interested in a serious relationship.
I am in love and in lust with a man. He was my first love and now that I can be realistic to myself, my only love I've ever had. I can feel it when he walks into a room, and the energy between us is so healing, beautiful, sensual, and sexual. He's been married for 15 years to the woman he started dating after we broke up. Are they happy? Doesn't really matter to my life because they're married and unless that changes he is out of bounds. Does he love me? Again, doesn't matter. That is one of my few hard and fast rules. Until recently he lived in a different city, but he and his wife are moving back here. Can we be friends? No - I need all or nothing with him. There are no grey areas with that kind of emotion. His moving back here with his wife is one of those Scatters. Because I'm not dealing with enough loss and adjustment from my last year of being...
So this brings me back to why I had mentioned Scatters:
Lots of times we think we know what we want or what direction things are going. And we have to trust that frequently most people's lives move in relatively straight lines. Well, mine doesn't. I have more Scatters than not, more "For Real?!" moments than not. And I'm learning to roll with the punches and know that I have no idea what is around the next corner.
When the rug was pulled out from under me regarding my almost ex-husband, I told one of my friends that when I got married I thought that I had chosen my path finally. I was going to be a wife and mom, take care of my family, stay at home until the kids were at school... that would be my path for the next several years. And my friend said, "That was your mistake. Thinking that you were going to be allowed todo the same thing for more than a few months at a time." And he was right. My path is not straight. It is absolutely guided by the Scatters. It's one crazy ride after another and now I am going to take you all with me.
Here's the thing . There are these things I'll call Scatters. I don't know when they are going to show up or what they are going to do. For instance, you could be out walking and just about to get to the point of frostbite (I live in Winnipeg) when a car could stop and offer you a ride. It could be a wonderful friendly Samaritan, a serial killer, or just a boring git. But you have an option. And the only way to find out what you're going to get is to get into that car. Smart idea? Don't ask me... it's a gamble, so I'll take it.
Let's say for argument's sake that almost a year ago my life was ripped apart into a billion tiny little shards and I have spent the last several months reconstructing it in a way that will ultimately be self-sustaining in a positive way. Let's just say. Well, is gambling the way to go now? I mean the blind kind of gambling. Maybe yes, maybe no. Well, when it was just me I had to think about then the answer was obvious. I would have jumped into that car faster than I could think. And those are choice words, because I wouldn't have done any thinking about it at all.
It's not just about me anymore. Circumstances beyond my control have made me a single mom of two kids. We'll call them A (girl, 4) and Z (boy, 2). And I'm 39. I have to say that there is absolutely something to be said about having kids when you're older. It's not anything nice that would be said, but it is definitely something. So my choices now affect all three of us. And I know that no matter how carefully or conscientiously I raise them, they're going to blame everything on me when they grow up anyway. So I just do the best I can and stay aware of what's happening around us.
I think that in order for you (assuming anyone is reading this) to understand where I'm coming from I should give you a bit of history...
History or present? Choices, choices....
I'll start with my present and take it from there. If you have any questions about anything, just ask. I'm not shy and I decided that I will post what I want to and not concern myself with what others think. I will change names to protect the guilty because that seems a lot easier than dealing with those people. I can always just deny everything... write something like: This is all fictional and if any of it bears a likeness to anyone I might know it is purely accidental. There, now I'm clear.
I work part time in an office. It's a new job and I really like it because it's exactly what I need right now. There is so much work that I will never be bored and the necessary brain power to get it done is minimal and that's what I like in a part time job. When I'm ready for more, the job can become more. How lucky is that?
I have good friends. They are funny, kind, sweet, blunt, rude, sarcastic, silly, loving, trustworthy, giving, supportive, honest and spread throughout North America. The majority of them live in Winnipeg, where I currently live, and in Toronto, where I spent my 20's: my formative years. I'll get into those another time.
I have a supportive family. We don't all see eye to eye and we are all very different people but I know I can count on them. I have two sisters, a brother, a niece and two nephews, a mother and a father.
I am separated and on my way to a divorce. The separation was sudden and harsh and I am almost at the one year mark of when it happened. My soon to be ex-husband has been charged with child abuse and since he admitted to me that he did it and there is evidence of it, the decision to leave him was a no-brainer. Just for the record, it was totally out of left field. He seemed to be the kindest, most gentle person. Didn't lose his temper, the kind of guy you could call in the middle of the night to help you change a tire. But looks can be extremely deceiving...
In hindsight the marriage was far from ideal. Not even good, really. I was 32 when we met, I was looking for stability and he seemed to have it. I thought it was time for me to settle down, get married, have kids, you know that path. Well, that gamble didn't pay off for me in so many ways. So here I am on the other side of it.
I am single, maybe ready to start a little dating. I would love to get my salad tossed, to quote a good friend of mine, but not necessarily interested in a serious relationship.
I am in love and in lust with a man. He was my first love and now that I can be realistic to myself, my only love I've ever had. I can feel it when he walks into a room, and the energy between us is so healing, beautiful, sensual, and sexual. He's been married for 15 years to the woman he started dating after we broke up. Are they happy? Doesn't really matter to my life because they're married and unless that changes he is out of bounds. Does he love me? Again, doesn't matter. That is one of my few hard and fast rules. Until recently he lived in a different city, but he and his wife are moving back here. Can we be friends? No - I need all or nothing with him. There are no grey areas with that kind of emotion. His moving back here with his wife is one of those Scatters. Because I'm not dealing with enough loss and adjustment from my last year of being...
So this brings me back to why I had mentioned Scatters:
Lots of times we think we know what we want or what direction things are going. And we have to trust that frequently most people's lives move in relatively straight lines. Well, mine doesn't. I have more Scatters than not, more "For Real?!" moments than not. And I'm learning to roll with the punches and know that I have no idea what is around the next corner.
When the rug was pulled out from under me regarding my almost ex-husband, I told one of my friends that when I got married I thought that I had chosen my path finally. I was going to be a wife and mom, take care of my family, stay at home until the kids were at school... that would be my path for the next several years. And my friend said, "That was your mistake. Thinking that you were going to be allowed todo the same thing for more than a few months at a time." And he was right. My path is not straight. It is absolutely guided by the Scatters. It's one crazy ride after another and now I am going to take you all with me.
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