#@*!# Kids

Let me tell you something about kids. They suck. They are selfish little creatures who make messes, throw things all over the place, ruin furniture, scream, yell, tantrum, and overall are complete a**holes. Does it sound like I'm having a rough night? Because I am. I don't know why anyone thinks it's a good idea to have kids.

When I started with a new therapist a few years ago we were talking about my life and she asked me if I had anything in my life that validated me. I said that I have my kids. She said that kids are probably one of the most invalidating things we can have in our lives. And I agree. Completely. No matter what I do, it's wrong. I send the wrong food in A's lunch so she doesn't eat it and then bitches at me about it and wants junk food. When she wants help getting dressed (even though she is four and has been dressing herself quite capably for over a year) I put her shirt on the wrong way and she screams about it. I don't: read them enough stories, let them watch enough tv, let them eat french fries and gravy often enough, give them chocolate before bed, brush her hair gently enough (although if I did it any more gently the brush wouldn't be touching her head). And that's just a few of the things I do wrong on a regular basis.

I am so angry at stupid x for doing this to me. If I had known that I had to do this myself I never would have had them. And I know that I have them now and I have to just do my best and enjoy the good parts. Well, I have a question: What good parts? When do those happen? Not in the morning, not when I drop them off at school and daycare, not when I pick them up. Not at the playground, not when I read to them, not bathtime and certainly not bedtime. When? I want to know. I'm so sick of people saying things like: at least you got those two beautiful kids out of your marriage, it wasn't all bad. Well, to those of you who say those things: You raise them. I am sick and tired of being a mother and of doing it by myself.

If I didn't have so many other reasons to hate x, this single mom thing would take the cake. I need a vacation. You know what someone told me? That when I go to work and am in an office environment, that I should see that as my break. Is that like grocery shopping by myself is "taking time for myself"? What about me? What about what I want to do, and how I want to live. I am fully aware that these kids are my responsibility and believe me, I'm doing the best I can. But apparently that's not good enough for my kids. I just want to shut myself in my room and cry and cry. But you know what? That doesn't get the kitchen clean or lunches made for tomorrow or the laundry done, or clock the extra hours I have to put in at work.

And when someone is kind enough to take the kids for a playdate (you know who I'm talking about Morah N), it's amazing at the time and then as soon as they see me again it's a free-for-all-let's-make-mommy-crazy-and-be-really-mean-to-her. I'm done. I've had it.

Let me tell you all something. Kids suck. They suck the life right out of you. So you'd better have them when you're young and have enough life left that you can have it sucked out and still have some left for you, or make sure you have at least one other person who shares the responsibility of raising them. I remember talking to my sister about having kids at one point. She wasn't sure if she wanted to have any or not. I said to her: the thing about kids is that at the end of the day... they're still there. And while I know deep down inside how lucky I am to have these wonderful shit-head children, I just need a little bit of appreciation, a little bit of positive reinforcement. Any ideas on how to do that?

My friend's dad  died suddenly on the weekend. And I am most likely about to have to say goodbye to someone very important to me. All these endings. I don't even see a crack to make bigger that will take me to a new and wonderful stage in my life. At least I know that everything is just a stage and this too shall pass. It's just that this time I feel so much more broken. Any ideas on how to mend me? I'll take any suggestions out there.