Aaaahhhhhhhhh

I spend a lot of my time on this blog when I am very angry and frustrated... Let's talk about today:

The kids and I got up, had breakfast, and they actually played nicely for a really long time and I got in over four hours of work done. I promised to have a project done by Monday and didn't realize how long it was actually going to take. Then we went to the park and played (it is only 0 degrees celcius here which is Incredible for Winnipeg in November!) came home and we are watching the original Flipper movie from 1963. A is loving it and Z is playing with his trains. And they are both Behaving! And being sweet and lovely. The house has been clean for over 24 hours, and I am enjoying my children.

I just wanted to let you all know that there are good times with them. At four and two years old, those good times are few and far between, but I am going to enjoy every minute of them when they happen.

On that note: I am off to enjoy my children for as long as it may last!

#@*!# Kids

Let me tell you something about kids. They suck. They are selfish little creatures who make messes, throw things all over the place, ruin furniture, scream, yell, tantrum, and overall are complete a**holes. Does it sound like I'm having a rough night? Because I am. I don't know why anyone thinks it's a good idea to have kids.

When I started with a new therapist a few years ago we were talking about my life and she asked me if I had anything in my life that validated me. I said that I have my kids. She said that kids are probably one of the most invalidating things we can have in our lives. And I agree. Completely. No matter what I do, it's wrong. I send the wrong food in A's lunch so she doesn't eat it and then bitches at me about it and wants junk food. When she wants help getting dressed (even though she is four and has been dressing herself quite capably for over a year) I put her shirt on the wrong way and she screams about it. I don't: read them enough stories, let them watch enough tv, let them eat french fries and gravy often enough, give them chocolate before bed, brush her hair gently enough (although if I did it any more gently the brush wouldn't be touching her head). And that's just a few of the things I do wrong on a regular basis.

I am so angry at stupid x for doing this to me. If I had known that I had to do this myself I never would have had them. And I know that I have them now and I have to just do my best and enjoy the good parts. Well, I have a question: What good parts? When do those happen? Not in the morning, not when I drop them off at school and daycare, not when I pick them up. Not at the playground, not when I read to them, not bathtime and certainly not bedtime. When? I want to know. I'm so sick of people saying things like: at least you got those two beautiful kids out of your marriage, it wasn't all bad. Well, to those of you who say those things: You raise them. I am sick and tired of being a mother and of doing it by myself.

If I didn't have so many other reasons to hate x, this single mom thing would take the cake. I need a vacation. You know what someone told me? That when I go to work and am in an office environment, that I should see that as my break. Is that like grocery shopping by myself is "taking time for myself"? What about me? What about what I want to do, and how I want to live. I am fully aware that these kids are my responsibility and believe me, I'm doing the best I can. But apparently that's not good enough for my kids. I just want to shut myself in my room and cry and cry. But you know what? That doesn't get the kitchen clean or lunches made for tomorrow or the laundry done, or clock the extra hours I have to put in at work.

And when someone is kind enough to take the kids for a playdate (you know who I'm talking about Morah N), it's amazing at the time and then as soon as they see me again it's a free-for-all-let's-make-mommy-crazy-and-be-really-mean-to-her. I'm done. I've had it.

Let me tell you all something. Kids suck. They suck the life right out of you. So you'd better have them when you're young and have enough life left that you can have it sucked out and still have some left for you, or make sure you have at least one other person who shares the responsibility of raising them. I remember talking to my sister about having kids at one point. She wasn't sure if she wanted to have any or not. I said to her: the thing about kids is that at the end of the day... they're still there. And while I know deep down inside how lucky I am to have these wonderful shit-head children, I just need a little bit of appreciation, a little bit of positive reinforcement. Any ideas on how to do that?

My friend's dad  died suddenly on the weekend. And I am most likely about to have to say goodbye to someone very important to me. All these endings. I don't even see a crack to make bigger that will take me to a new and wonderful stage in my life. At least I know that everything is just a stage and this too shall pass. It's just that this time I feel so much more broken. Any ideas on how to mend me? I'll take any suggestions out there.

Fishing with a Twist

Once a week my kids spend the afternoon with my dad. They love hanging out with him and he has a great time with them. It's really cool to see how he is with little kids. When I was growing up he wasn't around very much. He worked a lot and he went to the gym almost every day. Until my nephew was born I had no idea how good my dad is with kids. And I love how he is with my kids. He is so silly. If anyone had ever asked me to write a list of qualities my dad has I never would have listed silly because I had no idea. But silly he is. So the kids love spending that afternoon with him once a week.

My dad lives in a condo and there is a rule that you can't throw dirty diapers down the garbage chute, so if Z has a dirty diaper while at my dad's, my dad changes him, puts the diaper in a plastic bag and gives it to me so I can throw it in the garbage bin outside his building.

The other day after I threw the bag in the bin, I unlocked the car and buckled the kids in. When I got in I realized that I had some garbage in the car so I gathered it up, got out of the car and threw it into the bin. And heard a metallic sound when it landed which was strange since I had thrown out a half-full coffee cup and some tissues. And then I realized that I didn't have my keys. And I knew, as I was searching through my pockets and on the ground and in the car that I had thrown them into the bin.

Now when I say garbage bin, I mean it is taller than I am and Huge. I climbed up onto this step-thing that is on the outside of it and could just lean in enough to see inside. There wasn't a ton of garbage and I could see the stuff I'd thrown in. But I couldn't see my keys. There was nothing around that was long enough for me to use to poke through the bags until I found where my keys were, and even if I could see the keys I had no way to get them. I knew that if I climbed into the bin I would never get out. And my kids would be in the car buckled into their car seats, and I would be trapped in a garbage bin. And we would all freeze.

I called my dad from my cell and sheepishly explained what happened. Now I need to point out that I am really careful to not do stupid things. I locked my keys in the car once and felt like an idiot. This was even worse. And I hate feeling stupid especially in front of my dad. For some reason I want him to think that I have it together even though he must know how far that is from the truth. But I couldn't think of any other options other than the freeze to death in the garbage bin scenario. I asked if he had a wire hanger he could bring for me to use. He said he'd be right down.

So I hung out with the kids and waited for my dad. I have to interject here and say that it's a good thing there was no snow and it wasn't ridiculously cold out. Thank you global warming! It felt like a long time but my dad came out of the building holding a swiffer mop handle, a thick string and a huge magnet. He also had a hanger and wire cutters. He essentially McGyvered a fishing rod with a magnet dangling off the end of it. I climbed up the outside of the bin, leaned over the best I could, and poked around in the garbage with the end of the long handle until I could see my keys. Then I fished them out with the magnet. I can't tell you how proud I felt to reel those keys in. It was more exciting than any other fishing I've ever done. Especially because cleaning a set of keys that have been in the garbage is way easier than cleaning a dead fish. And more rewarding (especially since I didn't have another set of keys. How stupid is that?!) ... and I still haven't made another set...

When I held the keys way up in the air like the prize from a champion fight, my dad was so happy. He said: It took me seven minutes but I brought the right tools! It's great having a dad who was a commando in the army. And a mom who was a kindergarten teacher for 35 years. Between the two of them I should be able to McGyver myself out of any sticky situation I ever get into.

Vanuatu

I haven't been blogging much because, as I've mentioned, I use this as a place to rant. And currently the things that set me off into a rant-page are things that involve privacy issues and/or legalities and it would not be prudent for me to release them in the great wilderness of the world wide web.

But recently a blog reader of mine (I have blog readers!) asked me how on earth I ended up in Vanuatu. I started to tell her and then realized that it's a story I've never written down, so now's as good a time as any. So here it is...

When I was in my mid-twenties I was living in Toronto with a room-mate. We'll call him C. He and I were really good friends as well as room-mates and we hung out together quite a bit. We're still really good friends and although distance and circumstance dictate that we don't often get to see each other, or even talk to each other much, he is still one of my most important people and always will be. I went to his wedding last summer and it was the best wedding I've ever been to. And he married the most amazing woman. I love being at a wedding when I actually believe the people tying the knot are right for each other. But I digress...

I had just spent three months in Winnipeg acting as my mom's primary caregiver after she had a double mastectomy, reconstructive surgery and skin grafts. I had quit my job to do that so when I got back to Toronto I was kind of at a loss for what to do. I decided that since life is so short that I should really be living on a beach somewhere instead of living in Toronto. To that end I applied to go to school to learn hotel and resort management. I applied to a school in PEI and I thought that going to school there would be pretty cool and would lead to something that I wanted to do.

It is at this point I will interrupt myself. I thought that hospitality would be a great career for me. I'm a people person, a people pleaser (at least I used to try to please), it would be interesting, fun even. But when it gets down to it I realized that I don't want to spend my time making sure other people are having a good time. My Life kind of falls by the wayside when that's my focus and that is exactly what I need to avoid. I also despise going to school. I know it's great for lots of people and that it can lead to all kinds of wonderful and exciting things, but the fact is that school and I do not get along. (This is all stuff I learned after this experience but here it is for you, in the middle).

I started asking everyone I talked to about their experience with resorts and do they know anyone who has worked at one. C's dad is originally from Australia. When I asked him about it on the phone he said that a girl he grew up with owns a resort in Vanuatu and gave me her email address. So instead of asking her what it's like to run a resort, I asked if she was hiring. I really prefer learning by doing something, not by going to school to learn how to learn to do something. They had just been talking about an assistant manager for the resort so I emailed them a resume, we had a bunch of email interviews, and they said they'd give me a try. So I flew to Australia and hung out with my old bosses from when I sold encyclopedia out there for a few days and then headed out to Vanuatu.

It is absolutely amazing there. So pristine, untouched, Real. People living in huts with the bare basics but there was a tv on almost every block and people would hang outside together watching it. The whole neighborhood would watch together. The market is incredible. All kinds of food I had never heard of, incredible fruits and vegetables. There were coconut crabs which are these HUGE crabs that are really weird looking. And they are called coconut crabs because they eat coconuts. Go figure. There were tiny little kids working next to their mom's, I saw a three year old with a knife cutting the leaves off stems of some vegetable and he was just as fast doing it as she was. The art was so cool. I have pictures of all of it somewhere.

In hindsight I know that they really had nothing to lose. I paid my way there, I worked while I was there, so really they had a win/win situation and I had an opportunity. Some people think that I'm really lucky and that I just happen into things that are exactly right for me at that time. But they are wrong. I Make those things happen. I create opportunities if there is even the slightest hint of a crack there. I find the hidden doors and go through them which leads me to all kinds of experiences. I probably have experienced more to this point in my life than most people ever will.

Well, you all  know how Vanuatu ended. One question I never thought to ask them during all the emailing was: Are you racist? But it really doesn't matter because of course their answer would have been: Racist?! Of course not! And that was one of the many times I've learned that while walking through as many doors as possible may be cool, a lot of them are dead ends. But I can always take the memories of them with me and keep the lessons I've learned. So I keep walking through them. And the only one I've ever entered that I would never enter again is the marriage one. Everything else, as long as it's viable for me and the kids, is a free-for-all. Going through created doors definitely gives me more varied experiences, more positive and definitely more negative ones than I would have otherwise. And other than my lack of financial fortune thus far, it sure works for me.