I am finding that I have very little tolerance for people who are not self-aware. I'm not saying I'm the most enlightened person around, but I think in the scheme of things I see myself pretty clearly. Lately I have noticed a couple of people specifically who I don't even want to talk to because they are so delusional about themselves. And it irritates the hell out of me. I realize that the only ways to not be irritated by it are:
1. Be more tolerant and evolved (which I'm not)
2. Don't spend time with them (which I've been pretty successful at)
3. ... I have no idea...
One of them has told me that he thinks he is a king, that he is smarter, more important, more interesting, more enlightened than almost everyone he's ever met. Yet he is in a relationship where his partner treats him like a second class citizen and he is so happy for every tiny little bone that gets thrown his way. Something doesn't add up there is all I'm saying.
Things on this end have been very emotional and busy. I was subpoenaed the other night. Interesting experience. I knew I would have to testify at a trial, but for some reason I didn't expect the subpoena. And to have a detective knocking on my door to deliver it was something new for me. Not a terrible experience, just not something I ever thought would happen to me. But the last year and a half has pretty much fallen into that category...
I have had some huge decisions to make. And lots of them impact other people. Where do I send A to kindergarten? Is public school as good as private school? Should I move to a different neighborhood to be in a certain school's catchment? Should I start Z in a nursery program? Would he be ok in a less structured program for another year? I mean, he's only going to be 3, he has lots of years of structured school ahead of him. Do I allow x's parents to take the kids to a different city for a few days? Do I trust them? How much am I willing to give up in the separation agreement? What is really worth fighting over? Don't I just want it to be over already? (Yes!) Do I trust myself enough to follow my dreams even though it's not a straight path and I could fail dismally? So many questions and really I'm the only one who can answer them.
I need more information and I am getting it. Some online research, some soul searching, some question asking. For some I have to look as far ahead as I can to see where different paths could potentially lead me. I have to say though, that in my experience there is absolutely No Way to see where a path can lead. My last year and a half is testament to that. So I'm doing the best I can, trying to peek around corners to see what may be lurking. Unfortunately most of the corners are completely blind but apparently that's the way the cookie crumbles. (Mmmmmmm... cookies)
So that's where I'm at: thinking, researching, and making decisions. We'll see where it takes me.
Sunday, February 20, 2011
Wednesday, February 2, 2011
It's all about Perspective
It's been a while since I've had the wherewithal to sit down at the computer for any reason. I guess it's part of losing my job, I don't have to be on the computer anymore, so I don't. But I forgot that I actually like sitting down to write my blog. I forgot the computer has a whole other side to it's personality, it's not just work. It's like when you find out that the guy in the office you thought was really stuffy turns out to be a hip hop kind of guy. That's the side I'm re-discovering of my computer...
Today I asked A to do something and she said: Yes, your majesty. Hilarious, because this morning she said: Don't you dare even think about closing my window. I told her that isn't a very nice way of asking me to do something, that it was a really bossy way and she isn't a bossy girl, so could she please say it in a nicer way next time. And as I was telling her that I realized that I must talk to her that way sometimes. I hear so much of what I say repeated back to me through her, I know I've mentioned that. It's worth mentioning twice because it's an incredible door into how I speak to my kids and I am lucky that I am aware enough to take advantage of it to change my behaviour. I don't want to be a bossy girl either...
I need to make being at home more fun for me and the kids. Not just the being at home part, we have been doing way more fun stuff since work ended. We bake in A's easy bake oven. They make them look like microwaves now instead of the original oven. Which is just stupid because who bakes a cake in a microwave? But it's that original blue/green colour. I would describe it exactly but I'm a bit colour stupid. I'm just not educated enough in colours to do it.
We also make collages, play blocks, play house with A's stuffed animals. She has these two pink stuffed animals. Pinky Pig and Pinky Puppy. And I capitalize them because they have pretty strong personalities. Pinky Puppy is pretty easy, she does her own thing, hangs out in her kennel a lot. Pinky Pig sucks. She is the most demanding, time consuming, irritating pig, kid, baby, stuffed animal...whatever the hell she is. She's A's daughter, and I'm her Baba. I had to put an end to Baba doing things for Pinky. I don't mind playing along to a point but I am not getting up in the middle of dinner to burp her or check on her or give her a bath. Seriously?! I don't do that for my kids, I'm not doing it for a hot pink stuffed pig.
But my point is that I haven't made keeping a clean and neat home fun for us. I have to make it something we can all do together. They love cleaning, they would wash the floors, the windows, sweep, dust, and have a great time doing it. I'll put on some music, we'll make it a game and when we're done, I'll give them each money for their piggybanks so they learn that there is a reward when the job is finished. I'm hoping it will help teach them how important it is to finish what you start. I think that's a really important lesson.
I was at my mom's the other day and I was pretty emotional about an uncomfortable situation I'd had to deal with and she said: I think you need to start being more positive. Really?! I must have said something or looked at her incredulously because then she said: I guess I need to remember that people are who they are. More positive? I am going through an absolute hell of a time in my life and am still able to laugh and am aware of the good things in my life. I think I'm doing all right in the positivity department. Yes, I do talk about it openly because I see no reason not to. As someone put it recently, I'm living a life that helps other people put theirs into perspective. Not my first choice, but certainly more interesting than the life I would have led as a suburban housewife in Winnipeg. Thank god I got out of that. I hate how it happened, but am so happy to be free of x and be myself again.
I've been doing a little thinking about dating and how I want it to go when I'm ready for it again. I want the dating part to be really fun things that we can do a lot of at home. Because then we are playing at home so it's not a far stretch to do that on a regular basis. x and I always went out for dates, we didn't hang at home very much. And our ways of hanging at home didn't mesh. I think if we had cooked dinners together in a fun way, it wouldn't have been a chore, it would have been a great way to spend time together. Everything was a chore. x relaxed by watching video games and two tv shows. I like to read, listen to music, cook, dance, sing, basically do fun stuff. Fun to me, I guess. And I'm sure to someone else out there with whom I can do those things one day. Perhaps.
Today I asked A to do something and she said: Yes, your majesty. Hilarious, because this morning she said: Don't you dare even think about closing my window. I told her that isn't a very nice way of asking me to do something, that it was a really bossy way and she isn't a bossy girl, so could she please say it in a nicer way next time. And as I was telling her that I realized that I must talk to her that way sometimes. I hear so much of what I say repeated back to me through her, I know I've mentioned that. It's worth mentioning twice because it's an incredible door into how I speak to my kids and I am lucky that I am aware enough to take advantage of it to change my behaviour. I don't want to be a bossy girl either...
I need to make being at home more fun for me and the kids. Not just the being at home part, we have been doing way more fun stuff since work ended. We bake in A's easy bake oven. They make them look like microwaves now instead of the original oven. Which is just stupid because who bakes a cake in a microwave? But it's that original blue/green colour. I would describe it exactly but I'm a bit colour stupid. I'm just not educated enough in colours to do it.
We also make collages, play blocks, play house with A's stuffed animals. She has these two pink stuffed animals. Pinky Pig and Pinky Puppy. And I capitalize them because they have pretty strong personalities. Pinky Puppy is pretty easy, she does her own thing, hangs out in her kennel a lot. Pinky Pig sucks. She is the most demanding, time consuming, irritating pig, kid, baby, stuffed animal...whatever the hell she is. She's A's daughter, and I'm her Baba. I had to put an end to Baba doing things for Pinky. I don't mind playing along to a point but I am not getting up in the middle of dinner to burp her or check on her or give her a bath. Seriously?! I don't do that for my kids, I'm not doing it for a hot pink stuffed pig.
But my point is that I haven't made keeping a clean and neat home fun for us. I have to make it something we can all do together. They love cleaning, they would wash the floors, the windows, sweep, dust, and have a great time doing it. I'll put on some music, we'll make it a game and when we're done, I'll give them each money for their piggybanks so they learn that there is a reward when the job is finished. I'm hoping it will help teach them how important it is to finish what you start. I think that's a really important lesson.
I was at my mom's the other day and I was pretty emotional about an uncomfortable situation I'd had to deal with and she said: I think you need to start being more positive. Really?! I must have said something or looked at her incredulously because then she said: I guess I need to remember that people are who they are. More positive? I am going through an absolute hell of a time in my life and am still able to laugh and am aware of the good things in my life. I think I'm doing all right in the positivity department. Yes, I do talk about it openly because I see no reason not to. As someone put it recently, I'm living a life that helps other people put theirs into perspective. Not my first choice, but certainly more interesting than the life I would have led as a suburban housewife in Winnipeg. Thank god I got out of that. I hate how it happened, but am so happy to be free of x and be myself again.
I've been doing a little thinking about dating and how I want it to go when I'm ready for it again. I want the dating part to be really fun things that we can do a lot of at home. Because then we are playing at home so it's not a far stretch to do that on a regular basis. x and I always went out for dates, we didn't hang at home very much. And our ways of hanging at home didn't mesh. I think if we had cooked dinners together in a fun way, it wouldn't have been a chore, it would have been a great way to spend time together. Everything was a chore. x relaxed by watching video games and two tv shows. I like to read, listen to music, cook, dance, sing, basically do fun stuff. Fun to me, I guess. And I'm sure to someone else out there with whom I can do those things one day. Perhaps.
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